A Bad Day

An entry from my journal. It's been a few months since I've been back here, but I'd been playing around with the idea for a while. Today I wanted to share an experience but not on Instagram because I didn't want to sound like a broken record. So putting it here for me, or whoever comes across this. (The photo above is a self-timer pic because I felt fat wearing that top with those low shorts, and I wanted to see if I looked fat. Ended up being too blurry to tell) 

I guess I need to put a little context to it— I was already feeling pretty bad that morning because after a series of fortunate/unfortunate/fairly neutral? events, I'm making not even a third of the salary I was pre-COVID. Quite frankly, I'm making LESS than minimum wage in the Philippines but I'm blessed enough that I still live comfortably at home with my family. But it's been bogging me down... How will I ever be an adult if I still have to think twice about a PHP500 purchase? My self-esteem was low.

I talk and write so much about LOVING YOUR BODY and BEAUTY IN ALL SHAPES. But yesterday I cried. I broke down and cried because after a couple of meaningless conversations, some words in passing, I realised that people still consider me "thick" and someone who needs to exercise. I was tired. I didn't want to be singled out because I wasn't as small as what people want girls to be. I want to be thin so people didn't notice my body. I want to stand out but not because of my "courage" to from being open about my big body— I want people to wish they had a shape like mine, with muscles like mine.

But sadly it seems, it's not the reality. I just felt bad— I work hard, I control my eating and eat in moderation for the most part, I work out regularly and still. people think I am thick and soft. It left me thinking— ALL this work for nothing? How can I advocate fitness and not look fit myself? I can see how it doesn't make any sense.

But, I can at least say, that this won't make me stop what I'm doing. This was a bad day, but I will not let it derail my progress. People can think I'm FAT, THICK, SOFT, FLUFFY, PUDGY... but I'll still keep going. I'll cry about it until hopefully one day it won't make me cry at all. But tomorrow, when it's time to train, I'm gonna fucking train and give it the same heart and effort I always have. I can't let people's opinions about me hold me back— that's where I lose. The only challenge for me, which I'm working on every single day, is to love myself despite knowing, not everyone finds me fit or thin. I'm fat to some people. There's lots of unlearning to do: loving myself, stop thinking that fat is even ugly, but I do hope, that one day I get to that point. For now, I just have to power through these bad days.